


Missives For The Dearly Departed

by ix_tab



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-02
Updated: 2013-07-02
Packaged: 2017-12-16 21:25:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/866767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ix_tab/pseuds/ix_tab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the pause between this and the next disaster to befall humanity, Jean misses Marco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missives For The Dearly Departed

Marco

It hurts. I hurt.

Marco I'm writing this letter to you and I'll burn it as the last drop of ink shakes from the pen

Marco, it's been two days since I found you there.  
You weren't smiling and I couldn't see it as you for a moment. You always had a smile for me.

A soft grin when i entered a room, a friendly chuckle when I amused you, a fond long suffering smirk when I became annoying.

Marco, they made you into nothing but meat.  
Your one eye was dull, like a pebble in the ruined mess of your face. 

How could that be be you? You were warm and vital, you were soft but you had a core of steel.  
I loved all of you.

You lay me down and put one big hand over my nervous heart. You whispered, 'I will always regret it if I miss this chance. Jean, can I kiss you?'  
And, my voice catching in my throat, I nodded yes.

Damn me.  
God fucking damn me.  
Marco, I hate it, I hate that I can miss you like this. I miss your scent, your presence, your good humour and your unshakable belief in me.

Marco, everything's a little shakier now.

Marco, you told me that we were already men, old enough to fight and kill and die. 

We were so quiet, sweating in the dark of night, pressed against each other in those narrow cadet beds. You swallowed up my panting breath, and everything narrowed down to your heat, your body atop mine.  
I felt like a man, then, old enough to know that pleasure, those overwhelming feelings.  
I felt like a man, strong enough to give and receive love.  
A grown human being, because you loved me back.

Marco, I'm young again. Marco, I see you sprawled there when I close my eyes and I weep like a child who has lost his home.

Marco, I will love again. I will grow again. I will not wilt. I will not falter.  
I stand strong, Marco. My blades are ever sharp, my mind more so. I will be the leader you taught me I can be.

But Marco, let me be weak for a few moments more. Give me this one last thing.

At first I doubted you could deny me anything, but you did. You didn't let me be so selfish, you didn't let me lash out or railroad you and drown you out.  
You went along when you wanted and sung out when you didn't.

And I listened. I learned.  
Me, Marco, me of all people. I'm stubborn and spiteful but you smoothed it all over. 

I had never felt calm before I knew you.  
My stalwart support, my unmoving, unyielding centre.

You held me when I wanted to beat my fists against the smooth walls of our world.  
You held me and told me that I gave you that strength.

I want, more then anything, I want that to have been true.  
I hope I gave you something even a little bit like the precious things you gave me.

Marco, where are your bones? Marco, where can I hear your sweet voice again?  
Marco, you aren't alone there, but you've left me behind.

I let them burn you up.  
I knew it wasn't you anymore, that sad, stricken lump, but still. It eats away at me, even now.

Marco, you said I could be a great leader. You called me weak, but told me that I could make it a strength.

You were strong, Marco.  
You lifted me off my feet and held me against a wall, fucked me so hard I could barely breathe. 

You were desperate, the slick sounds of our flesh becoming sweaty and sliding against one another.  
I just wanted to feel every part of you, and this was you too. You hungered, you were rougher then I expected.

Teeth grazed my right shoulder, a perfect half moon of neat red indents left there.

I couldn't even speak, all my breath came out as huffs of air in the crisp autumn night, but I could hear you groan, see the flex of your muscles as you strained against me, and feel your heartbeat hammer into me.

It didn't last long, and you came, panting, mindless, so far gone i had to reach down between use and finish myself off. You blinked back to awareness in yourself as I started, and you laughed apologetically and viciously twisted one of my nipples. I came, sobbing.

I asked, 'Are you angry, are you ok?', afterwards as we got dressed. You sighed a little and just held me for a moment. I didn't press you. I thought I could guess why you were so impassioned but maybe I never knew.

 

But Marco, I did know you.  
I knew your body and your mind.  
I knew your heart.  
I will always keep that with me, down deep inside whatever fucked up excuse I have for a soul.

And I know what I have to do.

I must put one foot down in front of the other.

Marco, do not wait for me, I will not be joining you.

I will fight on.


End file.
